I hope I didn't make too much of an ass of myself last night. But I hate fondue. No, I don't want to pay triple to cook my food myself, thanks. I'll just go home and do that for free.

What a racket those places have. Let's cut up a bunch of apples, bread, and tortillas from a bag; melt cheese right on the table, and charge the customer 25.99 per person to do all the work! Genius.

Ugh. Can you tell I'm still bitter? I need to stop brooding over last night, because all in all, I did have a little bit of fun. And I was charged with planning the next girls night in April... must think of something cheap and way more fun. Must. And no damn chain restaurants- we live in Chicago for c sake. There I go again, sorry. This was my after my guessed caloric intake for the day:

That's a pound over my starting weight. Sheesh!

ho hum

Drudgery. That's the only word I can come up with right now for my life. I feel so aimless and hopeless after all this time looking for work. Yes, I did have a mostly fabulous time in California. But the photos don't show how sick I was during the whole thing. It was one constant migraineflucoldheartburnallergyhangover. I went from pepto to beer to benadryl to more beer to tissues to spicy food to sleeping on the bathroom floor and never strayed far from a bottle of pain reliever. In fact, I used up our hosts stock of tissues and pain reliever. Sorry hosts! Thank you!

I have never had plant allergies before but out there I was miserable for the last two days of out and about in the countryside. And by countryside I mean giant hills and vineyards. Not flat cow land. It really was so so beautiful there. Our hosts (a cute couple from Macomb) both have their own motorcycles and ride every single day to work. The guy rides through Napa Valley. How cool is that? Now I have a husband who everyday is making his job here sound more gloom and doom and talking up California. I didn't think this through. I told him for the longest time that I wasn't going to move there if I'd never even visited there. Well now....

I would like living there. But my family is here. My friends are here. My life is here. You can't just give up everything and move across the country for nice weather, can you?

No, I think not. But I have no real job. And right now that fact is making me feel slightly depressed. I can't get out of bed in the mornings when I'm not trekking to my department store job. And to make matters more yucky, that department store job seems to only schedule me on the days/nights when I actually have somewhere to be. I have missed dance. And trips with friends. And Christmas. The things that still define my life without a real job. And I only work three days a week! Sheesh!

okay enough complaining. I'm going to play Sims and bury my head for awhile longer.

a new year and a new plan

good morning to you. I am back to empty days and an unpredictable work schedule. I think the only way to keep from falling into the abyss of boredom and depression is to have a plan. These are things I would like to do.

Roast more vegetables. Cooking for yourself can be messy and time consuming. Mostly I just go to toasting bread or wheat tortillas and call that a meal. But if I can make sure to pick up acorn squash, butternut squash, sweet potatoes, at the store on the weekend, it's so easy to just roast them in the oven with olive oil/salt/pepper and reheat all week for meals. Yummy and easy.

Cook more. I love learning and trying different ways to eat food. I am in no way as good as my dh but I am learning to make different dishes that are healthy and yummy. I am also proud to say that we've replaced every carb in the house with a whole wheat or healthy version. I even have taken the brown rice plunge. That was the last to go actually, cause brown rice can be gross if cooked wrong. Sticky and mushy is no good. The secret to good brown rice is lots of water and then straining it. So yes. Whole wheat breads, whole wheat tortillas, whole wheat pasta, brown rice, and bulghur. High fiber, healthy nutrients.

Stop waiting to work out. I've gotten into a mental battle with myself where I say tomorrow, tomorrow. I can't today but I will go tomorrow. I need a dedicated gym bag that I don't swap out for a dance bag or a laptop bag. Tomorrow is today. I will go to curves today.

thats all I have for now.

holiday ohh holiday, the best time of the year...

Christmas has come and gone this year without fanfare and without much joy for me and the people around me. For me, Christmas is at it's most meaningful when you add in tradition. I am always interested in friends who say, "We always go to Grandma's in Southern Illinois. We make pies and my uncle roasts a duck." I'm sitting there wondering, really? Always? Doesn't life get in the way some years? Grandma gets sick, say. Or your Uncle Carl has a new wife and goes to her house now. Or your cousin has the first grandchild and now every year is spent standing around oohhing and awwing over this alien sticking crayons in his mouth? Life goes on and you can't "always" do something. We didn't get to go to dh's side of the family for Christmas Eve like we "always" do. I had to work.

Yes folks, I worked on Christmas Eve. I helped dumb department store shoppers navigate their way to the bathrooms, or to "the place where I can take back this here giant underwear I don't want". For jebus sake people, there is a sign every few feet directing you to Customer Service. They are huge and red. They say "Holiday Return Center" with a BIG ARROW POINTING THE WAY.

And you know what? I still had a nice Christmas. My dh got a raise and a bonus. And not the jelly of the month club kind, so that is very much appreciated. He works so hard. I got to ride on a snowmobile

and attempt to go sledding on one of those old fashioned metal rail sleds. (epic and hilarious attempt.) I got a laptop and an adorable vintage dress from my hubby

that I can't wait to wear. Yes frequently my back hurts and my feet are swollen from checking people out all day. No I haven't been to Curves in weeks (that one stings a little). But it has to get better from here.

I wish everyone in my life a Happy Christmas (a la Harry Potter) and I encourage you to take stock in what you do have and appreciate it. You never know what 2011 will bring.

well it happened. I lost my job. They called me in and poof, everything dissolved. My commute, gone. My work, gone. My routine, gone. My close relationship with a coworker, gone. My financial stability, gone.

I can't decide which is the suckiest part. Probably the fact that I don't qualify for unemployment. What a giant slap in the face. Thanks, life. I guess I will go do data entry. Or wait tables or something else that will only be seasonal. Am I feeling this lonely and desperate because I am sick on top of it? Or is that just the cherry I wonder...

I wonder if any of the non design jobs will even call me back? It's true that I don't have experience sweeping floors but it's because I went to COLLEGE. Help me baby jesus. It's harder every day to even get out of bed, and I think my dh is starting to resent me being at home. I don't blame him. But I would trade any of you with a job for this empty black hole.

give us a chance

Hello friends. My life is still in turmoil. I got very very very close to my dream of a city job. And lost that chance. I did my very best and still - I was not chosen for the job.

Dh and I have been trying to apply for a $5k loan to finance a new-to-us (1996) motorcycle and have been turned down by every creditor so far. We have good scores, we pay off our accounts every month, and we recently paid off a car loan in it's entirety. But apparently our best is not good enough. No one will take a chance on us.

Hello world. We are here. We are college graduates. We aren't loafs. We aren't a drain on society. We married at 23. We rent a very nice apartment and live within our means. Give me a freaking job. Give us a freaking loan. We will pay you back. I will work hard for your company.

blah.

In other news, we are planning a few parties for the fall. One is our annual anniversary dinner slash birthday party for immediate family. It should be fun as long as I can pull my head out of the sand in time to plan something fun. I always have this dream that the family will somehow pull out instruments and sing old folk songs until the wee hours, but that hasn't happened ever. I miss singing like I miss swimming. Two things I got to do as a kid daily. Being an adult stinks in some respects. I want to hear my youngest brother sing...I really lost it seeing him in Godspell as Jesus. That first scene of Prepare Ye was my closest mother moment ever. Proud mama Eileen cried her eyes out.

My friend Kati sings beautifully, too. And I never get to hear that either. And my mom and Colum on the piano? Dad on the guitar? We could really have a hootenanny going. Really... it's all happening in my brain right now you should see it. :)

We'll probably just end up watching stupid internet cartoons as usual. Why does that always happen at parties? As if the only thing my dh and my brothers have in common is the internet. Hmmm.

Oh, what's that you say? What about the second party? Well let me tell you. Come close. Shhhh. It's a Harry Potter Party.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!! I have been wanting to throw one for a few years now and the movie is coming out in November. I have plans for the living room, the bathroom, our bedroom, and the porch. Just try and stop me from going overboard with this one. Accio party!!

to do list: start living

screw this. I can't spend every minute of my life wallowing in my own pity. Although it is fun and a tiny bit comforting to feel sorry for myself, it's not helping. This blog was supposed to mark my fore into my new-awesome-amazing-train taking-restaurant eating Chicago life.

Instead I've spent the last two months eating junk food, drinking past my own nagging voice's advice, staying up way too late trying to squeeze some more life out of my days, not going to work out at Curves, waking up feeling like death, and crying daily in traffic.

I even got into a confrontation at the mall- with a 10 year old boy.

Yeeps. THIS IS GETTING almost to the point of silly. So screw it. I work at my job. It's way the hell out in the burbs. I accept that. Here is my wish list to be happy, even in present circumstances, because fuck, I CAN'T SEEM TO CHANGE ANYTHING EXCEPT MY ATTITUDE.

1. I will make the most of my limited time in Chicago. (Throw parties, attend concerts, swim in Lake Michigan at least one more time before fall!!!!)

2. I will help my dh when he cooks by cleaning up the kitchen, doing dishes, and always always offering to help with whatever. Can I make rice? Can I wash the cutting board for you? That kind of thing.

3. I will not be upset with my dh or the women at Curves or friends when they give me stupid job advice, they just want to help. (FYI, I don't want to work retail, or do freelance design, or take a part time receptionist job at your company. I work full time in design, and even though it sucks major balls, I am holding out for:
A. a full time design job in the city or
B. to be laid off at my current job before I consider those options. Which might, unfortunately, happen sooner rather than later. Can you say fore-close-r?

4. I will work out three times a week at Curves, ride our exercise bike three times a week, and lose 10 pounds before the first Christmas party.

5. I will be mindful of the food and portion sizes that I consume.

6. I will listen to books on cd from the library, they make my commute go by quickly and less stressfully.

7. I will try to do my hair, makeup, and wear cute rockabilly outfits more often. It makes me generally feel more awesome about my life. And the nice comments help. But please, when I'm in the mall having a weak moment, please do not stare. You will have your head ripped off.

love,

me

ps sorry for the swears. it's who I am. oh and 8. I will look for jobs, even though I hate it more than being stared at.